Not one ounce of NBA basketball is being played anywhere in North America. As a fan of the sport, you feel for the average NBA player’s plight–one Hummer instead of two–and wish that something could be done to get your boys back on the court again.
Instead of feeling sorry for yourself and your team, why not do something about it?
Why not take advantage of the opportunity presented to you, and become a part of the Energy Solution, instead of being a sticky problem person who is always complaining on every social media network about the fact that your beloved team isn’t playing professional basketball?
So what if they aren’t going to work in the United States or Canada? Take out your hostility towards somebody other than your team’s owner and channel your anger towards healthy outlets, like sports-related pursuits in honor of your family, for example.
If you do these 10 things, you might be on your way to making it through this so-called NBA season and be a hero to the only people that really matter.
10. Watch “Jazz Classics” on KJZZ-TV. There isn’t a better way to show you care about your team than to watch replays of some of the Jazz’ biggest games in history. Remember those words, “John Stockton leads the Utah Jazz to the NBA Finals!” as you fistpump in your sleep, dreaming of what might be–if only the Jazz could ever pick up another point guard like Little John Outta Gonzaga.
9. Make Christmas ornaments of your favorite Jazz players. The turkey’s nearly on the table, and you’re ready to elbow your way through another Black Friday…so why not head with your wife to the crafts store and pick up some supplies? Make Xmas ornaments of your fave Jazz players and for a special touch, one of Enes Kanter as the Undertaker. Make your wife proud this holiday season, and take one in the man chops for your team, while adding a tender touch to the tree that your wife will appreciate.
8. Play more church ball. Nothing says allegiance to your church ward like playing for its basketball team. Amid the smell of Ben-Gay, Aspercreme and straight up B.O. so sickening it even hurts to think about taking the court with some of these guys, you’ll pal around with all your smelly neighbors and squeak all the way down the court and back in your Wal-Mart hightops on your way to a solid 6-point effort.
7. Stay at home every Family Home Evening. What is Family Night without a Jazz game at Energy Solutions Arena? Why, it’s Family Home Evening, a Monday tradition in the LDS Church since Joseph Smith made it over them thar hills and proclaimed this, or Utah, was the place. Play board games with your children, eat a hearty meal at the dinner table and engage in a somewhat healthy dessert afterwards–unlike the chili dog, fries and soda you’d snarf down at the game.
6. Play NBA Live on your Xbox 360/PS3. Junior might think he’s the best player on the planet when it comes to mastering the video game system in your family room, but you have all that inside information about the Jazz that you’ve been storing inside your brain for years–because at one point in time your team was actually good at playing basketball. Now that they aren’t playing at all, take that useless knowledge and put it to good use…while smearing the little guy by about 150 on expert level. Or, if you’re like most fans, start at beginner level and hope he doesn‘t pick the Miami Heat.
5. Volunteer at your local Boys and Girls Club. Where do kids go when it gets cold? The gymnasium. Dust off your Wal-Mart sneakers and try out your skills at the local Boys and Girls Club (What do I look like, a Yellow Pages? Find your own phone book for the location nearest you). Many a child with the eyes of an angel and teeth like Allen Iverson will be willing to show you up, trash talk you out of the gym and call you his role model when the teacher asks how things are going. Remember…it’s all for a good cause when he steals your wallet and your self-respect.
4. Tweet non-stop to your favorite Jazz players. Say what? You mean all the Jazz players are on Twitter? It seems the entire Western Hemisphere is on the site, and so are the Jazz. Catch up on the latest lingo so you don’t sound like an idiot when these guys actually do begin playing, supposedly sometime in January. Listen to C.J. Miles recite his often explicit favorite rap songs at midnight while Gordon Hayward says hardly anything like what C.J. is saying. Yes, all this and more is for the taking on Twitter.
3. Play fantasy football. Those three dreaded words to any Jazz fan must now be brought up because, well, they have to be. Now that you can’t watch any pro basketball–unless a nearly trapezoidal key, a multi-colored basketball and teams bearing names of European soccer giants make sense to you–it’s time to put your sports fan knowledge to the test. Google those three words, pick some random manly team name and watch the magic unfold as you battle other sports fans/obsessed lunatics for the right to be called the most obsessed sports fan/lunatic in your new fantasy football league.
2. Watch more college basketball games in person. No fewer than five (five!) Division I college hoops squads play within a 50-mile radius of your house, one for each taste. If you like crazed student sections, there’s Utah State. If you like the color purple and 100-point games, Weber State. If you’re more of a fan of big men who lose often, Utah is for you. For a small-time Division I experience, watch Utah Valley State. And if you just like a team that is NCAA-bound year in and year out, BYU is the best place to go–other than the ESA, which sadly is not open for pro basketball at the moment.
1. Bring on more celebrity all-star games! The only way to see the Jazz play live during this lockout season is by watching celebrity all-star games. The Jazz have to stay in shape in case the lockout ever ends, so celebrity all-star games not sanctioned by the NBA are the hottest ticket in town. Closer to the Harlem Globetrotters than any official pro basketball game, the proceeds usually go to some sort of charity–and you might even see Jimmer. Everybody has a great time hammering down windmill dunks, while completely forgetting how they played defense, all while wearing jerseys you might see while you’re playing church ball.