Well don’t worry about your new year’s resolution to lose weight, quit smoking, feed the fish, or to stop wild boar hunting, because the Mayans were right – 2012 is the end of the world. As if trying to prove that they could create something worse than “The Darkest Hour,” Hollywood executives have elected to create a film starring the incredible Mark Wahlberg and the insufferable Justin Bieber set in the world of street basketball.
Rumors of the still untitled project have been swirling around since early last year, but now Wahlberg’s come out to talking about what he expects the film to be like, what he thinks Bieber brings to the table, and how his intuition is always spot on when it comes to selecting projects.
When asked what viewers could expect from this film, Wahlberg made a startling comparison, stating that we should “think of it like ‘The Color of Money.’” For those unaware, “The Color of Money” was a Scorsese film that starred Paul Newman and Tom Cruise – a respectable pair of actors – not a former rapper and an obnoxious singer trying to milk his undeserved fifteen minutes of fame for all its worth.
For Wahlberg, the part marks (I can’t handle reporting on this travesty without tossing in a few puns) a transition for him into what he’s calling “elder statesmen roles.” He tells of how he gracefully handled this move in the following story.
“So I get this call from Paramount [with a story about] an old guy and a young guy. I’m like, ‘Cool, let’s get Jack [Nicholson]. Let’s get Robert De Niro. Let’s get Robert Duvall.’ And they go, ‘What about Garrett Hedlund?’ I’m like, ‘For what?’ They’re like, ‘For the young guy.’”
Once he got used to the idea of being “the old guy,” Wahlberg campaigned for Bieber to co-star. Personally, I hope this is some early sign of dementia, or maybe a humorous display of senility (I can’t think of a larger middle finger to the youth of America than Justin Bieber’s mutation into a film star). Paramount agreed and the rest is unfortunately history. Wahlberg knows there’s a risk involved, but says he thinks it’s the right move based on his intuition. He also spoke glowingly of his co-star, saying, “I see the guy and spent time with him, and you see what he does and how he does it, and then you actually have a conversation with him, and it’s there. It’s there – and if it’s not, I will extract it.”
I’m not sure what the whole “extracting” thing is about, but I’m unfortunately assuming that this sure-to-be train wreck of a film will open well, thanks to the depressingly large number of squawking “Beliebers” that will charge theaters on opening weekend. For now, I’m just going to cross my fingers and pray that some divine force intervenes and stops this film before it becomes a harsh reality.