I have a question in response to a previous post you made on your Sexpertly Yours, TaMara Facebook page. You posted “When a man falls in love, his brain releases a chemical called vasopressin which decreases testosterone-his sex drive. When sex drive decreases, men may think they’ve fallen out of love but actually its the opposite. He has developed a deep love, respect and care which is also why it makes it hard for him to imagine doing “freaky” or “kinky” things with her.” My question is…how does he get past this….our can he? My bf and I had an amazing sex life prior to getting in a serious commitment but now our sex life almost nonexistent. We only have sex like once a month if I’m lucky. He says his libido is pretty much gone (he is 43). He also says its physical but I think it’s mental. He won’t take any Cialisor Viagra, because of the side effects. Do you have any advice? Sincerely, Wanting Good Sex
Dear Wanting Good Sex
You are not alone in the situation. Many couples experience this shift in their relationship as they enter into the “attachment phase.” During the attachment phase, couples become more comfortable and settle into the routine of the relationship. Part of it is due to the changes in the hormones that are released from the brain during the various phases of a relationship. Also, if there are any other environmental, medical or social stressors this will cause issues too. So in essence you both may be right in terms of the cause.
Without knowing a great deal of your relationship, I am basing my response on what you’ve mentioned. The first thing that comes to mind is that you want to rule out any medical issues or conditions. Certain medications that he may be taking (i.e. diabetes, blood pressure, depression, etc.) will decrease sexual desire. You may want to find out if there any outside (work, family, friends, etc) or internal (depression, anxiety, etc) stressors that may be causing a lack of erotic focus for him. Heavy substance use and smoking can also affect sexual desire. Also, often time lack of sex may be an indicator of an underlying relationship issue.
Because testosterone is responsible for increasing sex drive, encourage him to become involved in activities (i.e. exercise) that will boost testosterone. There are also some herbal supplements like DHEA, L’arginine that can boost testosterone. These herbal supplements can be purchased at a health food store. In using those, I encourage you to do your homework.
Consider doing some non-sexual or non-penetrative/intercourse activities that will help to increase the intimate connection between the two of you. Such activities include: dancing, sensual massage, breathing exercises, cuddling naked, showering together, yoga, reading erotica together, etc.
Most importantly continue to communicate your feelings to him in a loving manner. Be supportive and not overbearing. Try not to place blame or pressure on your partner as this will only create more stress and tension ultimately making the situation worse. And finally, work together to get to the root cause of this concern and identify a way to address it together so that the both of you are happy with the outcome. Be loving and be patient. Remember things did not get this way overnight therefore you can not expect change overnight. It’s a process that is well worth the journey. Hang in there and the rewards will be fantastic!