Click here for part one.
“Did you reserve a table?” I asked, taking a large gulp.
“Oh…” Bananahammock’s smile dimmed. “Um, actually I had a meal before I got here. I thought we were just drinking.”
I immediately slowed the pace of my swigging. I’m Irish, but I still prefer to have some food on my stomach to aid in the absorption.
I didn’t quite understand why Bananahammock had chosen such a fancy establishment to simply sit at the bar. To make matters worse, one of the waitresses kept rotating between the bar and tables, carrying delectable entrees with her.
“Wow,” Bananahammock mused at one particularly enticing plate of pasta something-or-other. “The food here always looks so good.”
You don’t say??
It quickly became evident that Bananahammock’s intentions were to get me drunk as he kept urging me to order more supersized beverages and allowed his hand to flutter along my knees. Feigning a twitch, I swatted the hand away and attempted to have a mature conversation.
“So you went to Towson University?” I asked him.
“Yeah,” he replied, wrenching his eyes from my chest at the question. “How much longer do you have there before you graduate? Are you working?”
“I have about a year and a half. I do freelance writing outside of school.”
“Oh…uh…yeah! Writing, that’s really cool. So do you like books and stuff?” he asked.
“Yeah, I read a lot,” I responded, resuming my guzzling of liquor in an attempt to make Bananahammock more interesting.
“I’m really into books,” he announced with pride. “Some days I’ll just grab a book by, like…you know…Socrates or some s**t because that’s just how I roll.”
“That’s fascinating,” I deadpanned and signaled for the bartender. “I’ll just have a water please.”
Bananahammock’s gaze sank to the space between my knees. “I like your dress…”
Sober, I allowed Bananahammock to walk me to my car. The date hadn’t been completely terrible, but it certainly wasn’t what fairy tales are made of. I decided to offer him a hug good night and a kiss on the cheek. However, immediately when I turned around for a perfunctory “thanks, I had a really good night,” Bananahammock thrust his lumberjack physique upon me and sucked at my face like I was hiding the secrets of the illuminati in my esophagus. His one hand patted across my chest like he was part of the TSA. He began to gyrate like a fish out of water and I suddenly felt the crack of a hand against my behind…twice.
That’s right folks!
In the middle of a well-lit parking lot outside of a classy restaurant I had just been spanked…SPANKED! Thankfully his thrusting ceased soon after as I am pretty sure he had just finished in his pants.
“Um…er…GOOD NIGHT!” I sputtered and wriggled away quickly into my car.
Bananahammock called me two weeks later and told me that he was “in between jobs” so he could not afford to take me out on another date and asked if he could come hang out at my apartment. I promptly hung up and have not spoken to him since.
I was initially upset at the experience but that quickly diminished after regaling my friends with the outrageous story and receiving uproarious laughs from them over it. “This is something you should write about,” my one friend suggested.
And so I have…
Find the perfect date spot in Baltimore!
An article from CBS Baltimore offers up great ideas for the perfect first date. Made Manual also offers a list of the 10 Best First Date Restaurants in Baltimore. Want to peruse other activities in the area? Visit Baltimore.org for information on everything the Maryland city has to offer.