It’s the most wonderful time of the year! What? Christmas? No, no, no. It’s the best time of the year because all of us movie critics get to put together our lists for the worst movies of the year. Also, check out my Top 10 best movies of 2011.
Ok, a couple of quick things you need to know. First, this list can only be made from the films I actually saw. This year that number was a little low since I only watched around 70-80 films. Next, these are not in a weighted order which is why there are no numbers; so, no #1 worst movie of the year. Just to put them in some order I list them by release date, so the ones near the top are the ones from the beginning of the year.
Baltimore Movie Examiner Tom Clocker’s Top 5 worst movies of 2011:
(movie title links go to my full review)
Season of the Witch – 1.7 out of 10 (January 7): Oh Nic Cage, what have you become? And, Ron Perlman, shame on you. You are like the lord of the corny supporting character realm but you should be able to see a stinker like this coming from a mile away. Well, this film is about a witch. Or is she? Or isn’t she? Cage and Perlman are supposed to transport a woman who has been convicted of witchcraft in a medieval setting. But, that’s the basic plot. You would think they would develop that a little. Instead, most of the movie consists of riding horses and talking or walking and talking. Then there are some bits of really bad dialogue and some bad special effects. I’m pretty sure film school students could do better with the equipment from the A/V lab.
I would rather dump a box of razor blades out over my head and jump into a kiddie pool filled with lemon juice than ever watch this movie again.
Red Riding Hood – 0.75 out of 10 (March 11): The only reason this film did not get a 0, or perhaps my first ever negative number rating, was due to the fact that the writers did manage to have a little suspense keeping the identity of the wolf a secret until the end. It’s not the hardest thing to predict, but it wasn’t obvious either. Other than that there is not a single redeeming quality to this entire film. The acting was worse than a Spanish soap opera, the effects were like a 5 year-old’s coloring book and the story and dialogue were laughably bad. They even had some kind of weird, drug-fueled rave right in the middle of the film for no apparent reason whatsoever. Absurd.
I would rather walk into a Hell’s Angels biker bar wearing a T-shirt that says, “Motorcycles are for pansies” than ever watch this movie again.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – 2.9 out of 10 (May 20): If there was ever a perfect example of ‘going through the motions’ this fourth ‘Pirates’ film would be it. Talk about just making a film for ticket sales. There is nothing inspired, fun or exciting. The few new things like mermaids and Penelope Cruz’s character are good, but nothing else is even worth our time. The movie is boring, really boring. ‘Pirates 4’ did make money in the worldwide box office, but it only took in $241 million domestically and cost about $250 million to make. Here’s hoping the filmmakers learned the lesson and put this franchise to bed for good. What a colossal waste of talent with such a great cast.
I would rather cover myself in honey, grab a hornet’s nest, shake it up and then jump onto a fire ant hill than ever watch this movie again.
Mr. Popper’s Penguins – 2.75 out of 10 (June 17): If I had to pick the easiest film to make, taking into account all of film history, all genres and all actors, I would pick a family comedy or kids movie starring Jim Carrey. Seriously, all you need is a simple, very simple plot and let Carrey be Carrey. The man is a physical comedy genius and can make people laugh with a simple facial expression or physical stunt. Why then did the filmmakers of ‘Penguins’ decide to put Carrey in such a film but completely forget that the movie is about penguins and go with a story about divorce, shared custody, a restaurant that needs saving, trying to fix the broken marriage and standing up to the ‘corporate machine’? Anyone…Bueller? So frustrating.
I would rather be the custodial attendant in charge of cleaning the sauna on ‘Sumo Wrestler Saturday’ at the local gym than ever watch this movie again.
The Son of No One – 1 out of 10 (November 4): This is probably the ‘worst movie no one has ever heard of’. And we can thank God for that. Al Pacino and Ray Liotta, if you have come to the point in your careers where this is the best film you can get, please do the world a favor and retire. Channing Tatum, well, we don’t expect much more from you yet. Tracey Morgan, stick to ’30 Rock’. This film is a cop drama, which would normally write itself. I mean, look at how long ‘Law & Order’ has been on TV. People love this stuff. But, ‘No One’ gets everything wrong. The writing is bad, the acting is poor, the dialogue is atrocious, and the big twist ending is about as predictable as seeing purple at a Baltimore Ravens game.
I would rather go running at the bulls than ever watch this movie again.