Snow had been forcast for Minneapolis today but now it looks like that isn’t going to happen. Awesome!! However, these beautiful, single snowflakes are soon going to gang up with each other, turning quite ugly and making our lives miserable. So le’t take advantage of this close-call reprieve and examine some ways that both singles and couples can stay warm during the 54 years of winter that is about to attack us. Some of these tips are simply practical. Others are silly. And some might even be controversial. But hey, we in Minnesota are survivalists and we do whatever it takes!
Tips for everyone:
- Dress in many layers. Yes, it is cumbersome but it keeps you warm. It also heightens the anticipation and excitement if you want to do a strip tease for someone.
- Use space heaters.
- Keep candles lit in every room at all times.
- Get down comforters. If you cannot afford them, go to Lake Calhoun and politely ask the geese and ducks to share some feathers with you.
- Do not leave your house or apartment from now until mid-April. This tip is quite challenging but we did agree to do whatever it takes.
Tips for singles:
- Peruse personal ads and find the biggest, cuddliest, warmest man or woman available. And don’t waste time being shy or conventional…invite him or her over right away.
- If that tip doesn’t appeal to you, get a mannequin or blow-up doll, dress it in layers and keep it around the house to put your cold feet on.
- Get a big pet. Large dogs and cats radiate lots of body heat and you can let them sit on your lap while you read of watch tv. Just make sure that they don’t chew or scratch your blow-up doll.
- Attend an orgy. There is more body heat there than a thermo-dynamic physicist could possibly measure.
Tips for couples:
- Place your cold feet directly on your partner’s lower back. Mmmmm nice and toasty. You may hear yelps and complaints but he/she agreed to be with you and actions have consequences.
- Shower together. And while you are in there, make love. The hot water combined with the scientific fact that friction creates heat, provides you with optimal warmth. Plus it’s really fun.
- Spend as much time as possible cuddling and snuggling. Not only is cuddling physically warming, there is a lot of emotional intimacy embedded in it. Snuggling will strengthen the bond between the two of you. And consider this….have you ever had an argument or fight at the same time you were holding your loved one close?
- Do NOT steal all the blankets during the night. People really hate this. Waking up in the fetal postion, teeth chattering, goose bumps looking like bubble wrap while your partner is in a caccoon, does not create love and light. Buy some more blankets or go to Lake Calhoun if necessary.
Staying warm in Minnesota during the winter can be quite the challenge. But if you follow these tips, you should be able to stay fairly warm. Also, if you are in a relationship, and follow these suggestions, you should still be together 54 years from now, when winter finally ends!